What Moms Really Want to Say to Their Toddler

1. You're crying over spilled milk? Oh I'm sorry. Call me when you're 30 and you're crying over the 4oz of breast milk that you just pumped out of your sore boobs and spilled. Yea, then I'll sympathize with ya. 

2. Please child, get off of the floor. Go have a tantrum in a place I've mopped recently. 

3. Really kid? Let's scream even louder so everyone in here can think I'm an All Star Mom with the bad child. 

4. For the love of God, please get up off of the floor and stop crying so people don't think I'm kidnapping you or something. 

5. Oh I'm sorry, you must think this tantrum is going to work or something? News flash sweet love, that shits getting old. 

6. I love how you are rocking this independent thing, but at the moment it's coming off like you're just being a total butt munch. 

7. Yes, I just called you a butt munch. 

8. So you think that by throwing your toys this will work? Lemme just sit right here and stare at you until you realize it won't.

9. I'm just gonna go ahead and walk away and pretend like I don't know you. 

10. She really is adorable even through the tantrums. I mean, gosh she has the prettiest eye lashes ever. I just want to pinch her cheeks...but I'ma walk away while she goes ape shit crazy for five minutes. 

11. Did I raise this kid to act like this? No, I'm blaming Grandma. Yep, this is totally her doing. 

12. Ugh I bet that kid Billy taught her how to act like this. She NEVER did this before that. I'ma teach that little punk a lesson.

13. There seems to be a misunderstanding here kid, did you think this was Burger King? This happens to be mom's kitchen and no, you can't have it your way. 

14. So yesterday you like chicken and today you don't? Can we saaaayyyy Bipolar?

15. I know you have big emotions and can't communicate them, but isn't there another way you can think of besides acting like a total uncivilized person?

16. Please child, please child stop acting like this in here. PEOPLE.ARE.STARING.

17. Gosh, do I spank her? No, I don't believe in that. Everyone is staring at me though. I bet they think I should spank her. Do I yell in here? Do I take her outside? I'll just try calm words and to talk it over. Oh great, and now everyone is staring EVEN.MORE.

18. Can someone puh-lease hand over the book on "Correct Way to Handle Toddler Tantrums, Break Downs and Bat Shit Crazy Moments?"

19. I'm just going to sit here and hug you while laughing at you without you seeing me of course. Because sorry my love, this is some funny shit. 

20. Oh okay, you want to act like your legs don't work? The ole' noodle leg trick, eh? Let's see how that works out for you. Plop. 

21. Here's my phone. Dial 1-800-suck it, uh, I mean dial 1-800-Grandma.

22. Let's try yoga. You need it. 

23.  Do-you-understand-the-words-that-are comin-out-of-my-mouth? (If you didn't read that in a Chris Rock voice, then we totally shouldn't be friends). 

24. Oh okay so we are throwing plates of food down now? I.AM.NEVER.FEEDING.YOU.AGAIN. 

25. Are you surrrrrreeeeee you're my kid? 

26. Gosh I love this kid so much my hurt may burst. She's like my mini me, my best friend...oh, wait another tantrum. Gawd, this is so her daddy's child.  

Please note this is just a funny, lighthearted post with just "thoughts" and scenarios of the things you may want to say to your toddler during a tantrum. I'm fully aware that toddlers need to communicate their big emotions and that they come out in the form of tantrums, I know this and I handle tantrums in the best and most gentle way I can. But let's face it, sometimes we just want to scream with them. I can't be the only mother who occasionally thinks her two old has lost her marbles. Or perhaps I've lost mine...