1. Ma, do you really think you need to kiss me that much? I mean, it's all you do all day long. And please, tell grandma no lipstick when she kisses me - me no likey. 

2. Hey uh dad, why you just gave mommy's boob a little "honk honk," those are mine now sucker. Finders keepers...

3. What is this concoction you people are putting me into and why do you keep referring to me as a burrito when I am in it? Are we Mexican? Did I miss the memo or something?

4. Hey mom, I just crapped my pants. Hehehehe, it was a good one too. Okay, now feed me; I'm hungry. 

5. I'm not sure about this "big sister" person. I mean, I love her and all but homeslice is always up in my grill and she doesn't exactly understand you when you say "be gentle." Ouch! Yea, she doesn't understand you at all actually. 

6. Really, you think this little green squishy thing is like a quiet plug or something? Not going to work this time mama! {Spits out pacifier}

7. Oh you didn't want to wake up again? Sorry mommy but I'm pretty freaking hungry. P.S. You have bed head real bad. Run a comb through that stuff yo. 

8. Oh I feel a growth spurt coming on! It's happy hour at the titty bar tonight! 

9. Titty! Hehehehehe.

10. This toy hanging in my face is getting old Ma. How about we get something new please and one that doesn't scare the shit out of me. Oh yea, by the way, I just crapped myself again

11. I don't know if you've realized this or not yet, but I totally sleep better in your arms. Oh you're going to put me down for a nap? And shrieking scream begins in 3...2...1... told ya. 

12. Hey, I don't pick boogers out of your nose now do I? 

13. Chew toy. Teething Ring. Teething Keys. Titty. Fingers. Thumb. GIVE ME THEM ALLLLL. 

14. Tummy time sucks. I feel like a damn beached whale. 

15. Ooooooo warm water, clean tub and no diaper. PEEEEE PEEEE in da houseeeee. 

16. Dad, I have no clue what's going on over there on that TV thing-a-ma-jig. But pretty sure you're team just lost. Now, play peek-a-boo with me!

17. Dad, where's Mommy?

18. Grandma, where's Mommy?

19. Mommy? Mama? Mom? Titties???????? Someone feeeeedddddd meeeeeee.

20. I love you mommy. I love you daddy. I'm so glad God picked you to be my parents. Now, let's all snuggle. Oh by the way, you've got poo on your hands. 

What do you think your baby would say if they could speak?